If you read between the lines (or are particularly attentive) to the outros, you may have noticed I’ve been going through some weird metaphysical stuff lately. Since I’ve moved to Houston, I’ve suddenly begun hating what was, a few weeks ago, one of my favorite food groups: crab. Crab rangoon, crab casserole, crab cakes, crab dip… you name it, I loved it. Now I can’t stand the taste of it. Combine this with very weird metaphysical things that I’ll just skip over in a public forum such as this (until I am comfortable disclosing such things here).

I am very thankful to all those who directly or indirectly helped me to be where I am today. I sent letters to all I still kept in touch with after moving down here with my latest contact info and a personalized note. However, it’s one thing to feel thankful and say thanks - but it’s another to express that wholeheartedly.

So I was on the phone with my grandmother the other day. She was proud of me for the circumstances that led to me now living in Houston. I usually pray for her health in my own little way and I make sure to mention such things in my greeting cards to her. However, this time she was emphatic that I thank God for everything. She repeated this a couple of times… and this is abnormal for her so it really sunk in. Obviously she doesn’t know I’m no longer Catholic and to be quite blunt, I don’t see the point in telling her. What possible good could come of that?

Getting back on track, I took her words very seriously. I had been contemplating a ritual giving thanks to all that has gotten me here. I was like “YES! Finally get to light some incense and candles…. FUCK!” Ya, I totally don’t have any lighters in the apartment. I have an electric stove so that wasn’t an option. I wasn’t about to think of causing a fire just to do ritual so… Plan B.

Plan B goes back to my personal favorite way of setting up sacred space: stones. This ritual was weird though. Often there’s the grand illusion that humans are controlling the ritual and controlling the outcome and so forth, especially in the Wiccan community. In this case, my stones were guiding me. It’s weird how different stones… heck even things I know just to be colored glass… would trigger meanings in my mind. Well heck, who am I to argue with my own mind?

The ritual in itself was a learning experience. While I obviously had gratitude for those that overtly helped me get here, I didn’t realize all the elements of the equation… no pun intended. For example, there was a stone given to me by the one ever affectionately known by names such as “Dumb Bitch,” “Fat Whore” and combinations thereof. Those who hurt me triggered a series of events, which ultimately led to me being here today. The locations I lived in also led me to where I am today. Family, friends and those I have adopted as family all played a role in where I am today. Illness as well as health both led me to where I am today.

By the time I was done, my makeshift alter had a complex, yet ultimately crude, equation indicating all the factors in this timeline that led me to where I am today. There were also stones that I felt should be there, but I don’t know why or what they represent. Perhaps I will eventually understand these - or perhaps they represent the abstraction of things that resulted in me being here that I am not aware of and perhaps may never come to know about.

Once the equation was set on my alter, I did my energy-based ritual and wow. That was good stuff. I pushed more energy through me than I have in about a year. Afterwards, I was very happy, downright ebullient. I also felt less burdensome. I’ve also noticed some of the metaphysical stuff I don’t talk about publicly has gone away. Apparently when you need something, it’ll be there. When it’s no longer needed (as determined by your physiological state), then there’s no need to overwhelm you with this stuff anymore so it just goes back into the subconscious.

It was weird. I am one for eclectic rituals, but this is the first formal solitary ritual I have done in years. I have to admit, I miss doing this - especially when it is done for a meaningful reason.